Madrecita

I've met Elena. She's beautiful, with a round face and huge, expressive, brown eyes. When we were first introduced, she wouldn't look at me. "She's afraid you're going to pinch her cheeks like this," Anabella said in her thick, melodic voice, squeezing her own pretty face with one hand. "People do that to her a lot, and she really doesn't like it." She laughed a little as she spoke, the way she is apt to do, and then we began working. Anabella, one of the 18 college freshmen that I tutor, is nine-month-old Elena's mother. The Story I met Raul at school. He asked me to go to Homecoming, and I said alright, and then I kind of started to like him. A couple of my cheerleader friends were already going out with football players, so I thought maybe I should go out with one too. We started talking, and then at Homecoming, he kind of kissed me. So we started going out, and then, I guess a couple months later… I got pregnant. The Family It was towards the end of my junior year, and it was scary. I didn't even know what I was doing! And I needed to tell my mom because… well, with some people, you can't hardly tell until like five months, but I was at a month and already getting a little chubby and puking every morning. So I had to tell my mom what was going on. And since we're Catholic, my whole family is very much religious - well, I am too, you know, but things happen. So I was tripping out. I didn't know what to do, so I wrote a letter to my mom explaining what happened and telling her that if she didn't want me to be in the house, that I'd understand. I disrespected her teachings, or whatever you want to call them. It was the last day of school when I did it - that was perfect because then I could leave if I had to. So that day was very stressful because I'd called this teenage parenting program - I didn't know who else to call, so I called them. This lady came to my school, and I was crying, and she was like, "It's okay, just sign these release forms." (They were to give her permission to take me in her car and take me away from my mom or whatever. I don't know.) So we were walking out - she was going to take me to Planned Parenthood to get a test - and then my mom comes. I was so scared. I was already crying and all nervous, and then my mom comes! And she was all green! (When my mom gets mad, she turns green.) And I was like, "Oh my God, she's green!" At that time, I didn't think it was funny, but now that I think about it, it's like… she was green! She'd already suspected cos I would fall asleep on my grandma's couch, and when you're first pregnant, you're really tired, and you're giving all these signs… And my grandma was noticing it and telling my mom, and my mom would ask me if I was going out with anyone. And I always said no, but she'd say, "Your grandma notices! She's had seven kids, so she knows." So when I told her, she was like, "See? I told you!" Anyway, I didn't want to go with my mom cos she was gonna scream at me and yell and all this bullshit, and I didn't want that right then. And the lady said she was taking me to Planned Parenthood, and my mom was like, "Hell no! You're not taking my daughter there!" So the lady got all scared and left. My mom didn't want me going there because she would go in front of Planned Parenthood and pray the rosary, because they do abortions there. And a lot of people that know her from church go there and pray during the day. So she was like, "If you were to go there, and my friends are there praying for no girls to go in…" My mom's very much with her… her what people think of her. Reputation. She's very up on that. That day, right away she went to the pediatrician and the gynecologist, and she came back giving me all these numbers. She was very quiet. That whole day, she didn't scream at me or nothing, she was more like thinking for herself, like what had she done wrong? She though she was a bad mother. She felt disappointed in me in a way, I guess, but what were people gonna think of her? She wasn't thinking about me; she was more thinking about her! She's a catechism teacher and one of the first things she teaches is to follow the ten commandments and to do all that good stuff… And then I come out being this "rebel". So she was very disappointed. My dad, he doesn't live with us, but he doesn't really care. He's like, "Whatever you want, mija. It's all good. Just don't have another kid." In a way, that's good, but in a way… I dunno. I kind of don't like my mom being too strict, but in a way, when you think about it… I think it's alright. My brother and I don't talk anymore. Up to this day, we still don't talk. He got mad cos a lot of people were saying I was a "hoochie mama". (That's a nice way of saying I'm a whore.) The Peers I don't know why they were saying that stuff. People started saying that I went with a lot of guys, and then I found out that it was my ex-boyfriend talking about me. I guess he was jealous cos I never did anything when I was with him. I saw him this summer with his friends, and I slapped him, and he got all red and embarrassed. He was like, "No, I didn't say nothing! I didn't say nothing!" Sure, sure. But it was sad. I didn't do anything with guys before and now people were talking about me. Like all these negative… A lot of people were like that. When I was pregnant, all my friends were saying, "No, we'll always be your friend!" But that's bullshit because now they never talk to me. Like, they'll be your friend while you're pregnant, but not after you have your kid. Most of the people I talk to now are my cousin and my aunt and Raul… Every couple months I find my friend that has a baby too. We're both very busy, but I find her and we talk sometimes. She had her baby when she was a freshman in high school. My mom didn't like her, and I always got mad because she was a very good friend of mine. Now that I have a kid, my mom can't say nothing about me going out with her. Cos before, my mom would say, "She's living a different life; you can't be with her anymore." Now my mom's more quiet, she just says, "Now you're the same, how do you feel?" The Boyfriend In the beginning, I told Raul, "You know what? I don't really feel good." And he asked if I thought I was pregnant, and I was like, "Uhh… I dunno, maybe." So we went to Vons and we bought a little test thing. Then we went to Nordstrom's, cos those bathrooms are big and all covered - they're private. I went in there with the test - and I've never done one of those things! So I was in there reading the thing and it said to pee in the little box, and so I did. And then I put it on the thing where you take out the toilet paper and I waited… And two big bright pink lines came up, and I looked and it said two lines you're pregnant, one line you're not. Oh shit. I kind of already knew, but I was hoping that it wasn't - I'd been telling myself "I'm not, I'm not. I just feel a little bloated." So then I took it to Raul and I just showed it to him real quick, and then ran back in to throw it away cos I didn't want to hold that thing! He was kind of surprised, but in a way he was kind of expecting that, so he was like "I guess we have to make the best of this." I don't know. It was just like, okay, what are we going to do now? His parents didn't really care. They were happy. I wasn't there when he told them, but he told me they were like, "Oh cool!" I thought they would've kicked him out of the house or something. But that gave my mom more ammo; she was like, "See? His parents planned it! Yeah, they did, they provided you with a house and everything!" I was like, "No, they didn't. They didn't have any part…" My mom doesn't want me to go over to their house because she doesn't want me to get pregnant again, which pisses me off because I wanted his mom to see the baby. So I figured, if my mom doesn't want me to go to their house, I'll just invite them to our house. So I invited them to come to our house. What pisses me off the most is his brothers - they didn't say, "Oh, okay, we'll come to your house;" they were like, "Why don't you come to our house?" They're assholes. And then they told Raul, "It's your baby too, you should just take the baby and bring it over here." Hello? Stupid asses. He can't do that; he doesn't even know how to take care of the baby. When she was first born - I'm not like a natural born mother, you know? I didn't know how to quiet down the baby. So I learned. And I was tired, cos when the baby's first born it's awake like 24 hours a day and your head gets all swollen up. So I got so fed up by the third day, and I told Raul, "Here take the baby so I can sleep for a couple hours." And 20 minutes later, he comes in whining, "The baby won't shut up." Oh my god, I was barely getting to sleep and then he comes… So that just shows that he's not capable of taking her for a couple hours. And I would never do that anyway cos I'm breast-feeding her, and when you're doing that, the baby needs you more. So I dunno, his brothers… they're just assholes. Do you know what a macho is? They are the most macho guys I have ever seen. They think that women are very inferior to men, like when they heard I was coming to UCSB, they were like, "No, really? How can you do that?" They were tripping out. And one of the brothers comes here too. And if he sees me, he ignores me. I don't know what that means. Raul's not like them, even though my mom says that he is. He did admit to me that in the beginning he was macho, but he told me that my ideas and the way I am has made him see that being macho is not the way. Cos he wouldn't have thought a girl would want to go into law enforcement or anything like that, but I'm interested in criminology, so… The Prejudice My family's from Mexico, and they don't like the dark people and the dark people don't like the light people. Raul is a darker Mexican, and when I was pregnant, my grandma prayed that my baby wouldn't come out dark. It just pisses me off because what does it matter? I'm friends with everyone. I have blonde friends, black friends, Mexican friends… but since my family doesn't like the dark people, it makes me want to be more friends with the darker people. I guess I'm actually a rebel, huh? I'm still with Raul, but I don't know. A lot of the bullshit my mom puts in my head makes me wonder if I really love him or not. My family's trying to pull me more towards their side and he's pulling me more towards his side, so I'm in the middle like a little ragdoll. I tell my mom I don't like him so she won't get mad. But I don't know if I do or not. You know how people get in your head? But then when I'm alone and I think to myself… Why does it matter? Why shouldn't I have the right to choose who I want to be with? And I don't know if it's for that alone that I stay with him. Like, am I really thinking I wanna be with him cos he's this way, or I'm just gonna be with him to go against my family? I don't know what I'm thinking! I'm so confused right now! The Doctor My gynecologist is very funny. When I first went in to see him, he was like "I wanna know about you because, you know, I'm gonna be looking at you in places no one else has looked before. Wouldn't you be more comfortable if I knew more about you?" So he wanted to know how I met Raul. And I said at school, cos he was a football player. And then he asked me, "Have you done any sports?" And I told him, "Yeah, I was a cheerleader." (I had to quit once I got pregnant.) And he was like, "Oh my goodness! So it's a cheerleader meeting a football player!" And then he opened the door and walked into the hallway - it's a small office, so he told all the people working there, "We have here a cheerleader that just met a football player, and they're gonna have a baby!" And every time I went back, he would ask me, "So how's the football player?" Oh my God, it was so embarrassing. But he was very open like that. Every time I went, it was like a family. Cos you're for nine months going at least once a month, so you really get to know those people. I got to know how he got to be a gynecologist, and he got to know about me… And then he told me the same thing like my dad told me, he said, "I don't want to see you for another pregnancy, I wanna see you in one year for your next pap smear!" The Birth It was like 7:30 in the morning, I remember. I was asleep and this pain woke me up. I was so tired, I was like, "Shut up you little pain." And then at 7:45 it came again. I wasn't thinking I was gonna go into labor that morning, but then it started coming like every five minutes. So every five minutes for an hour I timed myself. And my mom was like, "Hmm… Well, we should go to a hospital." My gynecologist had told me to call him first, in case it was false whatever you call it - false labor. But it was a week before my due date, so it was probable that it was true. And when I called my gynecologist, he wasn't there, and I thought, "I've already waited two hours. I don't think I want to give birth to a baby in my house!" So we went to the hospital, and I went in there walking all perfectly, and my mom was like, "Hey, we need a room." And the lady looked at her and asked, "For whom?" And my mom's all, "For my daughter, she's gonna have a baby!" And the lady was like, "Oh. Have you called your doctor yet?" Cos it seemed I was not in pain. And we told her yeah, but he's not there. So she said okay, and it took about five minutes and then she said, "You can go into this room". And then I was like, "Mom are you sure? Maybe we should talk to the doctor first." Cos I felt weird putting on my robe, and they gave me this band to put around my stomach, and it hit me: "Oh my God, I'm in the hospital!" I'd never been in the hospital. So then this chubby nurse walks in, all like toppling over - not toppling over, but all wobbly. Oh my god, this is my nurse? And she was like, "I'm gonna do an exam on you and see if you're really in labor, okay?" And then she puts a glove on and stretches it out like this - it was just like the movies! And then she told me to open my legs so she could check if I was dilated, and she checked and I was breathing all hard cos she put her whole hand up there, and not even my doctors did that! And then she said "You sure are dilating, your cervix is very thin." I guess that means you're going into labor. So then she told me, "You're going to have your kid today!" And I was just like, "Okay." I couldn't believe it. That morning I had talked to my cousin and she'd asked what I was going to do today and I said, "Oh, I don't know." I had already started feeling the pains, but I didn't want to tell her then, and I didn't have a chance to call her back and tell her I was going to the hospital. So then afterwards, my aunt called my cousin telling her I'd had my baby, and my cousin was like, "No! I just talked to her this morning!" She couldn't believe it; she thought it was a joke. Anyway… my mom went home to fix my room and get my bag that I'd packed with my pajamas and pink slippers with the fluffy things… she brought everything over while I was in labor. And I was like, "Why don't we just go home? I'm sick of being here." It was so boring in that room; I didn't want to watch TV. I was just sitting there. So I thought maybe I'd go walk around the hospital. I told them to give me another robe cos I didn't want to show my butt. I felt kind of weird walking around not wearing any underwear - cos you can't, they're constantly checking you! When I was walking around the hospital, I saw the babies and I was like, "Oh my God!" I couldn't get it in my head that I was about to have a little baby like the ones in the window. Walking made me feel better. I go for walks when I get stressed out. And I noticed that all the other ladies were just sitting in their beds complaining. And I thought that was so useless. I mean, what are they gonna do, inject more painkillers? Walking around was so much better. When I was walking through the section where the rooms are for risk pregnancy, like multiple births, I saw that two of them were taken. I was amazed, cos usually they're not full because those things aren't that common. I overheard that one of the ladies was having three kids that same day that I was having mine. That doesn't matter, but I thought it was pretty cool. She was all calm - I was really thankful that I was just having one! So I was just walking around and then the pain starts getting stronger and stronger… and then I started losing my patience and then I didn't wanna walk anymore. I just wanted sit in my bed and complain like all the ladies. So I went back to my room and then the lady checked me and she was all, "You're six centimeters dilated, and ten centimeters is full dilation." So I'm like okay, I'm halfway and I'm already starting to die. The pain started getting so intense that I wanted to go away from the hospital, cos I thought if I went away from the hospital, the pain would go away. So I was like, "I wanna go home! Take me home!" And my mom was all, "No you have to stay here." And I started cursing a little bit, and my mom said, "Don't do that, people are listening." I was like, "I don't care, this isn't funny. This is not funny!" She wasn't laughing or anything, I just started saying that. And then the nurse started injecting the thing… I don't know what they call it in English, that white liquid? The IV stuff. She started putting it in me, and she couldn't find my vein! Since I was such pain, I didn't care what she was doing to my arm. But now that I think of it, she left my whole arm purple. My whole arm was bruised. You know how many times they stick you with needles? Oh my God! They give you like three blood tests while you're in the hospital. I was like, can't they just use all that blood for many blood tests, you know, at the same time? I don't know. I don't know their system. The pain you feel when you're gonna have a baby is not like anything you will feel… It's not like a pinch, it's not like a punch, it's not like you got ran over by a car. It's not like that. It's different… like you're in a box and your head is all blown up. You feel like you're stuck; you can't go anywhere. I didn't even get a thing for my back because I heard that if you move you can go paralyzed, and I didn't want to go paralyzed. I'd rather feel the pain for a couple hours than be paralyzed for the rest of my life. When you're actually in the pushing stage, it's not that much pain. It's mostly just weird. But when her head came out, I screamed and I don't know why. It didn't hurt, it just came out. I just yelled really loud. The whole thing is just weird. Like, I couldn't hear anyone, I could just see the light - they put this big light in your face so you'll have to keep your eyes closed. I guess they do that on purpose. And all I could hear was a little bit of the voices that were talking, and my aunt came from Ventura to help me, and she put her hand on the back of my neck, and my mom was so nervous she just left. She thought I was gonna die cos my aunt died. The one I'm named after, Anabella, died giving birth, so my mom was all scared that I was gonna die too. I think that's the end… Oh, the doctors cut me twice… down there. Cos her head wasn't coming out. I thought that was sick. The Result It's not easy. You get very stressed out. And sometimes I wish I could just take a long shower like I used to, but I really can't anymore cos I have to go and take care of the baby. My longest shower has been ten minutes long. I only have time for shampoo, scrub, put conditioner in and get out. That's all! You don't have time for yourself; it's all for the baby. I used to have a lot of time for myself: trimming my nails, putting makeup on… now I have pimples. You know, it's so different. But I'm here. I'm in university. A lot of people's opinions of me change when they hear that I'm in a university. They know that I'm not just a lowlife. Cos it can happen to anyone, not just the lowlifes. The lady in the counseling center in high school, she was like, "We can help you get into a city college," and I said, "No I'm going to UCSB." She couldn't believe it. She was like, "My daughter didn't even get in there!" And I thought, "well maybe your daughter's stupid!" I don't want to be mean or anything, but why does she automatically assume that since I have a baby, I'm stupid? I mean, maybe it was stupid, but it doesn't mean that I'm stupid. I don't regret it. Sometimes I wish I… were free. In a way, I'm stuck, but I love her, she's my baby. And it's cool cos when I'm stressed out, she starts laughing. I'll be really mad and she'll pull my hair or something and in a way - she can't talk yet, but - you can see in her eyes, like, "Don't worry. Everything's okay." She's like, there, you know? She's very happy. Everything would've been different if I wouldn't have had her. But… it's hard to say… since I've already met what I've made.

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